Seeking A Way Forward

Over a year has passed since I lost my husband of 25 years. It feels like it has been forever and only yesterday. This is what eternity feels like. Let me tell you, it sucks. I would give a lot to be by my beloved’s side, him here or me there. Not an option to take, of course. Too many people who would be annoyed with me, and that would be including him. An eternity of vexed beloved is not something I want to deal with.

I had finally even managed to write a complete, albeit short, story. It needs editing. There are some holes that need filling. It needs a title. But I had managed it. I hoped that it would be the end of my dry spell. Writing is breathing for me, and not being able to put words to paper, or some electronic version thereof, was eating me alive.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t.

The new story needs editing, but I can’t figure out how to begin. There are two stories that follow it that need writing. Can’t figure where to start there, either. And then there are the two series that need their next installments written but…well. You can figure it out, I’m sure.

I kept trying to figure out why I’m back at the “ideas be rattling in there. You want to write them? Eff you” mental state. I feel guilty for not being able to overcome this. He would want me to write, after all. He was the one who believed in me and encouraged me to share my writing with the world. He was the one who believed I was good enough before I could even hesitate to agree with him. I imagine he’s rather vexed with me on that side (and probably feeling guilty for being on that side and disrupting things as his death had done) because I’m not writing.

All over the place, I see these little snippets of wisdom and inspiration that boil down to “Take time for yourself. Do things for yourself. Take care of yourself.” While he inspired me, my writing was for me. But I figured out finally why it isn’t enough.

My Charlie isn’t here for me to see and hear his reactions to my writing. While I love all those who read my stuff, a few who actually love my stuff, they aren’t him. They aren’t the man who knew how I thought as much as I knew how he thought. There was something special in sharing my writing with him before I shared it with others. Writing, as well as many other things, just seems pointless to do without him.

I am a lazy beast if I can’t latch a reason to doing something that takes effort. Like, I know walking is good for my health. But I can’t motivate myself to step out. Not for my health. Not to do X miles in Y amount of time. But I will get out there to hatch a stupid egg in Pokemon Go. (By the way. Five 10k eggs have yielded 5 Eevees. If the phone weren’t so expensive to replace, I’d have thrown it.)

You can find a how-to solution for nearly everything on the internet. Except for that.

Posted in General Stuff, Grief | 3 Comments

Dear Men, It’s Time We Had A Conversation « terribleminds: chuck wendig

Source: Dear Men, It’s Time We Had A Conversation « terribleminds: chuck wendig

Oh, my gods, I laughed so much at this. Go! Read! It is glorious!

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I Don’t Know A Damn Thing About Black Lives | The Boeskool

A very thoughtful post by a white person about racism. Though it only adds to my frustration in wanting to help, but being in no position to really *do* anything about it. I’ll at least do this.

A few days ago, the Nashville chapter of Black Lives Matter was told they couldn’t use the space at the Nashville Public Library to hold their meetings anymore. The reasoning behind this deci…

Source: I Don’t Know A Damn Thing About Black Lives | The Boeskool

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Fated | Jasmine Walls: Comic Writer and Artist

Written by Jasmine Walls, Illustrated by Amy Phillips

Source: Fated | Jasmine Walls: Comic Writer and Artist

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#Always #RIP Alan, David, Lemmy

So far, we have lost three great artists this year. It only makes me remember the pain of my own loss, of my best friend/husband/muse. Chuck Wendig makes sense of the pain so eloquently.

Death Becomes Us.

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Your 2016 Authorial Mandate Is Here: Be The Writer That You Are, Not The Writer Other People Want You To Be « terribleminds: chuck wendig

Source: Your 2016 Authorial Mandate Is Here: Be The Writer That You Are, Not The Writer Other People Want You To Be « terribleminds: chuck wendig

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My Take on The Force Awakens


Nope, not apologizing for the image at all, because I love both Star Wars and Star Trek. 😉 And this is about the story shifting to a new generation.

But anyway. I got to see The Force Awakens with my son today. I had seen spoilers on opening day. Well, I should say “spoilers,” with audible quotation marks, because honestly. How could you NOT expect some of the little tidbits in there? Not exactly mind-blowing, given how stories have been being written for years, decades, centuries, millennia…There really are only so many combinations out there and as many stories that get pumped out, there isn’t any time for anything not to seem used previously. It is how well it’s told and how entertaining.

And this was thoroughly entertaining.

It was completely and thoroughly Star Wars. The Star Wars that I had enjoyed when the very first movie blazed onto the screen when I was a little girl. I even mostly enjoyed Episodes I, II, and III. And the Clone Wars, which gave more depth to Anakin than the movies had back then. (To see one fan observation about the prequels, read this article” George Lucas nearly wrote a perfect prequel trilogy. He just didn’t notice.)

I have seen or heard about complaints about several aspects of Episode VII. Like…

There are plot holes. (Show me a movie that doesn’t have at least one plot hole.) Personally, if I didn’t see the holes while I was watching, then it’s a good movie. Unanswered questions are not plot holes until the end of the story arc. Which won’t be until at least Episode IX for this set of Star Wars movies.

There are characters who aren’t that fleshed out. Hello? This is their introduction. The story is more complicated now. There are literally decades of history now, both in real life and in the Star Wars universe. If you don’t want it to drone on like the prequels that are so hated on, just going to have to wait for history to be relevant to pushing the story forward.

There are characters with little experience whooping on characters with much more. If you honestly can’t see why any of that would have happened, you have been watching far too much anime with the bad guys who don’t falter or weaken until that last moment when they are obliterated.

When you are told a story, it is supposed to fire the imagination. Instead of faulting a character’s behavior as unrealistic, perhaps the question should be, why would they be behaving that way at that moment? Of course, that might make real life harder, asking why someone might be acting as they do instead of just blaming them for it. Gods forbid that would happen. It doesn’t make bad things okay, it just means understanding the why behind what was done.

The thing that makes me happiest about Episode VII…it finally brought to the silver screen a story I have wanted to see for a very, very long time. I wanted to see heroes grow up, grow old, and move from being the front line heroes to the mentors of new heroes. This was not a reboot. This wasn’t a kick the past in the nuts and have someone else save the day.

This was a continuation. This was life. This was the most human I have seen Leia, Han and Luke. The “kids” saw them as bigger than life, as they had been seen by many uber-fans. But they were human, with flaws and failings. They were beautiful.

I had heard that many were critiquing Carrie Fisher on how she aged. Of course she had aged. It’s what happens to humans as time goes by. Especially decades. Had anyone noticed how Mark Hamill or Harrison Ford had aged? I did. I had commented on it to my husband. But to me, it was exquisitely perfect. They had lines on their faces. They looked worn and tired. They looked like they had been through the wringer and in that universe, that is exactly how they should have looked. If we lived through what they had, I can guarantee you that the weight of years would be showing on you, too.

Thank you Mark, Carrie, Harrison, for coming back, to make this story possible. I wish my husband could have seen you up there with me. I think he would have enjoyed it as much as I had.

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